I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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