I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
