your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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