he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
