did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
