The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
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