Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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