I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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