I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
