Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
