there's paper in my vomit.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize