Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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