Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
