As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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