In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
