I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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