He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
