took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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