Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
