you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
