I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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