dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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