I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
