checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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