It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
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