have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
