Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
