I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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