I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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