my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
