If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
