sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
