yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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