i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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