After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
