I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
