Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
