You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
