omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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