Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
