The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i believe in u and ur pee
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
