Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
