Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
