i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
