I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
