My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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