last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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