I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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