I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
