I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
