I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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