I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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