Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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