and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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