sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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