just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
